I swear she didn't look like that last week.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
