Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
