wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
