I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
