either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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