I got chris browned last night
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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