pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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