if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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