I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
