One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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