So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
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