I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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