My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
