shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Randomize
