You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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