You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Randomize
