Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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