Fine. I'll sleep in my office
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
