I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
