did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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