I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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