What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
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