I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
