i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
