I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
