I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
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