Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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