Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
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