My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
My vagina just clenched in fear
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
