i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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