I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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