How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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