Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
