i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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