found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
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