At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
