Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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