I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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