Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
