You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
