Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize