If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
