i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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