My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
