You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
