So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
