My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I yelled at your uterus for you.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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