It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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