Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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