Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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