I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
