I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
