I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
