I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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