I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Randomize
